Understanding is not easy — it is very rare to arrive at understanding; because you are confused, he is confused, you don’t know who you are, he does not know who he is. Then two confusions collide and two confused persons start manipulating each other, dominating, possessing.
Nobody wants to be dominated and everybody wants to dominate. Nobody wants to be possessed and everybody wants to possess, hence the problem.
And it is through these misunderstandings that slowly slowly you will come to see what you are doing: you are destroying the freedom of the other and the same is being done to you.
Stop destroying the freedom of the other, be non-possessive, and immediately things start changing.
If you are non-possessive you will make the other look at the whole thing again, and if you are really non-possessive you will become so happy that the other will start following you and wondering what has happened to you, why you are so happy, because he is so miserable. Possessiveness makes you miserable and possessiveness destroys and poisons all love.
So from your side try to understand what you are doing to the relationship.
Ordinarily we always think about what the other is doing to us and how to stop him from doing it. That is not possible — you cannot stop the other. The more you try to, the more the other will try to manipulate you, because he is afraid for his freedom, you are afraid for your freedom.
And nobody has the understanding that there is no need to be afraid — your freedom cannot be taken away. Nobody can take it. Yes, it is possible to kill you, but is impossible to take away your freedom.
Freedom is our intrinsic nature. Nobody is capable of taking it… unless you want to give it.
And that’s what happens: we go on trying not to be dominated by the other and yet deep down we want to be dominated too, because we cannot be alone; because we cannot stand on our own feet we want somebody to lean on. When you lean on somebody, you will be dominated. And still we don’t want to be dominated.
These contradictions are carried by everybody in his being. These conflicts are there inside. The problem is not outside — the problem only appears on the outside; the problem is deep down in you.
That is the meaning of the word problem. It comes from a root “pro-emblema”; from “emblema” comes “emblem.” It means symbol. Problem means just a symptom, an appearance on the surface — it is not the true cause, it is not the real disease.
So when problems arise in a relationship, they are only emblema, just symbols. They are not real problems. Real problems are deep down in you — a relationship simply helps them to surface